It’s rare, but every now and then a title comes along that no one man can review by him or herself. That’s why I’m here with Senior Editor Gregory Edwards to review Soda Drinker Pro, the world’s first, and dare I say best, First Person Soda by Will Brierly. Why, you may wonder, do I need Greg’s help? The answer is simple to anyone who has ever grasped a cup and held straw to mouth: soda drinking is about companionship and is enjoyed best with a friend.
Soda Drinker Pro (PC)
Developed by Will Brierly – Published by Will Brierly
Michael Carey: Now, Soda Drinker Pro might sound like an intimidating concept at first. You might not know just what a First Person Soda is and think that you need to have intimate experience in the genre of soda video games (through playing titles such as Root Beer Tapper, Cool Spot, and Pepsiman), but that’s not the case. People can enjoy Soda Drinker Pro despite their level of soda knowledge.
Gregory Edwards: Indeed, I myself come from a poor land with limited exposure to the luxuries of American sodas. I tell you, we get your Coca-Colas and your Pepsis, but man, buying a root beer here is an arduous affair that requires you to take out a loan, if you’re the type of person who needs a loan to buy something that costs about $7. In that case, you’ll probably be OK buying Soda Drinker Pro, financially, as it only costs $5! That’s two bucks less than a root beer here! So I was delighted to discover that not only did Soda Drinker Pro gently ease me into the world of professional (and casual) soda drinking, but enticed me to explore it further!
Who needs grandfather clocks? Forge your own Oregon Trail with soda.
Michael Carey: So, by now you’re sold on the concept, that’s a given. But what exactly is Soda Drinker Pro? It’s a simple, whimsical title where you enjoy a soda in 102 unique and interesting locations. You can sip soda at your leisure as you explore the beautifully crafted levels or you can choose to rush through (it’s your soda, I won’t tell you how to enjoy it) to see all the exotic destinations at which you can enjoy a cool carbonated beverage.
Gregory Edwards: And we mean beautiful, this game gives hot titles like the original Alone in the Dark a run for its money in terms of sheer visual fidelity! Rarely has any game given me as visceral an experience as drinking a soda on a human butt. As our intrepid player character probably states, “everybody does this at least once.” Well, that may not be true, but it’s certainly something everyone SHOULD do. The protagonist tapped into my mind to show me just how many ways I could indulge in the consumption of carbonated liquids. Is this the Jingle All The Way of video games? It’s taken me a while to come to terms with it, but Soda Drinker Pro might just deserve that title. It even has full Oculus Rift support! Truly, we can experience the soda like never before.
You can even experience soda on the moon and then claim that moon for soda.
Michael Carey: While I don’t consider myself an expert on cola, I’ve seen my way around a can or two. Even then, Soda Drinker Pro still presented a satisfying challenge. You see, there are 102 unique experiences, but the game gives you them one right after the other, a challenge meant only for the emptiest of bladders. You can pace yourself and play through the course of a week if you want, but once you start, there’s no stopping until you reach the bottom of that cup. Some might say that the title would benefit from allowing soda drinkers to choose their desired pop drinking environment, but I say that’s a cheat, a slap in the face to the raw, emotional power behind Soda Drinker Pro. No, the endurance fest that is Soda Drinker Pro truly separates the men who can chug a two liter from the babies who need to butter their glasses to cut the carbonation of the delicious soda.
Gregory Edwards: Now, many may consider this to be enough, that Soda Drinker Pro could satisfy on this level alone. “NO!” Will Brierly maybe said once, instead choosing to go beyond this and present a criticism of human nature. You see, littered throughout each mindscape (can we truly label them simply as “levels?”) are bonus sodas. Collecting them does absolutely nothing save for you, the player, personally getting the words “BONUS SODA” shouted straight into your soul. When I collected my first bonus soda, I think I finally understood what Sir Brierly was going for. We as human beings must not get greedy with our soda consumption. For the first time in my miserably impoverished foreigner life, I began to strive for the American dream of drinking a moderate amount of soda with my pals at a gas station.
The pinnacle of life.
Michael Carey: Indeed, that is the dream, and while one must not greedy, one must also not be afraid to indulge oneself. That is the truth behind the bonus sodas, pickups that do not refill your cup but simply exist because you are you, you are great, and, God dammit, you deserve a bonus every now and then. And you, yes you, reader, deserve a bonus as well. A crisp, refreshing bonus that can come in metal can, plastic bottle, or paper cup. A bonus you can drink raw, through a straw, or, should you be daring, through one of that hats that allow you suck through two straws at once. That bonus is this game. That bonus is Soda Drinker Pro. And you deserve it.
Gregory Edwards: I think the greatest injustice of our time is that we need to apply a score to an experience such as this. What does one even bestow upon the greatest gem of our time? 10/10? NO! SODA DRINKER PRO DEFIES NUMBERS, DAMMIT! IT BROKE MATH FOR EVERYONE, and that’s why, if I were to give this any numerical value, it’d be 12/10 like that one site did with Arkham City that one time, but this is better than Arkham City so it’s a higher 12/10 than that one that site gave that game. If that doesn’t make sense to you, you just don’t understand soda, my friends. Actually, you’re not my friends, none of you are.
Call of Duty: Ghosts has a dog. Soda Drinker Pro has two cats.
Your move, Activision Blizzard.
Your move, Activision Blizzard.
Michael Carey: If I were to give anything, it would be Will Brierly an Honorary Doctorate in Pepperology. But we need something to put at the end of this sentence you’re reading right now, so here it goes.