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April Fools: Gabe Newell quits Valve to accommodate his “extensive grief counseling”


Valve’s head honcho, Papa GabeN himself – Gabe Newell – has quit Valve today. He won’t say exactly why, but he cites “personal reasons” and “extensive grief counseling” as having gotten in the way of his much-touted professionalism.

“Not many people would have noticed, but I have a bit of a phobia,” he told Kotaku. “Maybe two out of… out of… uh- …maybe half the time you’d never notice. It’s been getting worse, recently, and more noticeable, as Valve ever nears the th-… the… next installments of its blockbuster series.”

Apparently this “grief counseling” dates back to a childhood trauma Newell suffered when he was young. Again, specifics are hazy, but Newell recalls glimpses of the traumatic experience.

“I remember… prongs. Several prongs. Coming at me. And a chant. It was demonic. I was buck naked, and these th-… these prongs, they came at me. I’ve been scared of… it ever since. The chanting, the prongs… it was a number, too. You probably wouldn’t notice I had the phobia if I didn’t mention it to you, though. I’ll let you in on a secret – it’s the reason I own so many knives. I can’t stand the idea of it coming for me. I have to protect myself.”

Leaving Valve, he says he has left the company in capable hands.

“There are almost thr-… thr-… there are a lot of people at Valve,” he tells the press. “Besides, I’ll be back soon. My therapist says I just need to take a short break. A holiday. Robin recommended Tokyo, actually. It’s apparently nice this time of year. Hell; at his behest, I checked out The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, starring Paul Walker. It’s the third film in th- …thr. Thrr. Thrrr. THRRRR. AHHHHH! AHHHHHHH NO, DON’T DO IT, MOM!! I SWEAR I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!! NO DON’T STAB ME WITH THE PITCHFORK MAMA!! DON’T PIN ME TO THE WALL, MA!! WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?? WHAT’S THREE?? WHY DO YOU SAY I’LL BE THREE?? WHAT ARE YOU – aaiiiiieEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

It is safe to assume the final sentence is a tease at an upcoming Team Fortress 2 update. That rascal GabeN!

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